A Raw Update

A Raw Update

October 15, 2021

To be honest, I have been thinking about what to write for the past couple months, and I have felt paralyzed. My struggles have seemed too personal to share as I still wrestle through them, as I wade through the thick mud trying to find answers from God. On the surface, I'm the busy girl. I'm involved so many good things—Campus Ministries, where I co-lead Backyard Bible Clubs, a ministry that focuses on bringing Christ to the most at-risk communities in Arkadelphia; the Tiger Serve Day Leadership Team, where I manage around 100 service projects for our local elders and non-profits; Walk For Freedom, where I'm hosting an event with A21 to raise awareness and funds to end human trafficking locally and globally; Honors Program, International Club, President's List, and the list goes on until I can't even remember everything I'm involved in anymore.

As I sit down and pour out my heart in the most personal blog post entry I think I've ever written, I'm so thankful I learned to type without seeing the keys so I can still write even though my eyes are blurred with tears. I don't want this blog to only be a reflection of my best times and the lessons I've learned as I go through life all nicely packaged and sent out like a postcard to people's (online) mailbox.

Now, I also don't want to be a pessimist and use my platform to vent. However, it is important for me to be authentic and vulnerable both when it is easy and when it is hard, and that is what I hope to share today. Deep inside, I have so many unanswered questions and some open wounds that I haven't given the time and space to heal.

I've always had really high expectations of myself. I tell myself that I have to make my time here worth it. I have to make every second count. I need to make my parents and everyone who has invested in my life proud so that they think I'm worth it.

That leads me to ask myself some hard questions. Do people love me for who I am, or for what I do? If I had time to allow myself to think and feel, would I be homesick? There's so many people who I've felt disconnected from and I have felt paralyzed about reaching out to them. In the end, I don't, because I tell myself it's safer to isolate instead of reach out and be rejected.

I do a million things to stop myself from thinking about all of the things that stress me out, but it's just like putting plastic wrap on your leftovers—you can still see right through and find the confusion, fear, and doubts.

A lot of thoughts have risen out of my anxieties about financial needs. Some of my scholarships and money from freshman year hasn't transferred over to my sophomore year, since it was a one-time thing. I can't apply for Ouachita Student Foundation Scholarships yet, because I'm only a sophomore, and because of that, I also can't live outside of the residence halls, which would save me some money I have to spend on the meal plan. Apart from that, Colombia's economy has significantly weakened, which means that the money that my parents could offer to support me is now much less when it turns to dollars.

"I thought we were through this," I ask Him. "I thought I was sure about your faithfulness."

I worry about how much I worry, because I don't want God and people to assume that I don't believe that He is sill good and faithful. I know in my head that that is the truth, but my heart is weary.

So today, there's no true conclusion. No easy answers and neatly packaged applications, because I don't have them. I don't want you to think that every day has been bleak and that I am not incredibly grateful for where God has me in this moment and what He is doing in and through my life, but it's true that there is some turmoil going on in my heart.

My prayer for this moment is that God will give me, and you, the strength to go through difficult times. I pray we will feel His presence and see His faithfulness once more. May we come out of every doubt and struggle closer to God and more certain of His grace and love for us.

I encourage you to keep on seeking God's voice and presence even when it's hard to see, and I say that to myself first. Please keep me in your prayers. I am so thankful for you and your impact on my life.

Yours truly,

Isa